Red Headed Trouble

Redheadedcalin took umbrage when I mention that red heads have always caused me trouble, but I am drawn to them like a june bug to the zapper. The end result of our conversation was the idea that I would post about them red heads than done done me wrong.

First Red Head:

Tiffany. Oh sweet, sweet Tiffany. We were 14 and met on a church trip. I didn't attend that church, I never went on church trips, but hey, it was a cheap way to get to Destin and my parents, though shocked, couldn't think of a good reason to deny me. I met Tiffany at the pool. It was the only time a pick up line ever worked for me. Introductions were made and I blurted "I have a dog named Tiffany!" I know that sounds like an insult and that certainly is the way she took it at the time, but I happened to carry a picture of my dog (a 14 year old needs to have something in his wallet besides the condom that he isn't going to get to use for another 2 years!), and that picture sealed the deal with my first red head. My dog Tiffany was a beautiful Afghan hound. Tiffany and I (the girl, not the dog) were like peas and carrots that summer. I lived in East Memphis and she lived in Germantown and I would ride my bike the 8 miles or so to her house everyday just for the kiss I would get when it was time to leave. Alas, it was not meant to be. Tiff's dad worked for Kodak and he got transferred that fall. I saw her again about two years later, she was working as a model in Kansas City and had totally out grown me. She was my first real girlfriend as well as my first heart break.

Red Headed Friend:

Sherri and I sort of ran in the same circles. Everybody had a crush on her as much for her personality as for her looks. She was a horrible flirt and would do things to me like stop me in the hall to check my crotch. She would reach out and open the piece of fabric on my Levi's and tell me "Button fly? Good boy, so much easier to open." She dated one friend of mine during high school, but they had a bad break up, so I felt obligated to be mean to her even though it broke my heart to do so. The first summer after high school, I was working a job that required out of town travel. I came back one weekend and there was a huge party. I somehow ended up with Sherri, which was fine by me. We were upstairs doing what a man and a woman do when they have had a few drinks and there is porn on the T.V. when there was a knock on the door.

"What?"

"It's me, Kenny, what's going on in there?" Kenny also had a crush on Sherri but I wasn't feeling generous enough to share.

"Go away Kenny, I'm busy."

Sherri and I continued with our little project and about 5 minutes later there was another knock.

"Whhhaaaattt!!!!!!"

"Dude, Danny wants to talk to you." This was Eddie, it was his house, but I wasn't worried about him. Danny was the one that gave me second thoughts. Danny was another friend that had a crush on Sherri, but Danny had a reputation for unpredictable behavior and wasn't somebody that I was interested in dealing with when he was inebriated. He had a penchant for laying claim to women that hadn't even talked to him. At a restaurant once he leaned in to tell me that he was going to kick Art's ass. When I asked why, he said that Art was "macking" on his woman. I inquired who he was talking about and he pointed to a cute blonde that was waiting tables. I found out later that Art had asked her for a Coke.

"Tell Danny I'll be out in a while."

"He wants to talk to you now."

Sigh. I wasn't about to stop getting my freak on to go have some kind of drunken conversation with Danny (Did I mention that Danny was huge? Compared to me at least, he stood about 5'10", 200 lbs. to my 5'7" 145.)

"Ok, I will be out in a minute."

Sherri looked up from what she was doing and said "Are you leaving?"

"No way, but I gotta pee now and there is no bathroom in here. Crap."
With no other choice, I raised the window, peed through the screen from the second story. I found out later there was a drunk passed out against the side of the house. He wondered why he smelled like an alley the next day.

Sherri and I finished with what we were doing and I finally went out to face the music. Expecting an ass kicking I took a walk with Danny. He was not a happy camper. I was asked if I was in love. When I gave an answer of "No," Danny wanted to know how two people could sleep together and not be in love. I was so stunned by the question, I couldn't come up with a response. Eventually, Danny let it go and the party continued. He dated Sherri a couple of years later and once when Sherri stopped in Knoxville to see me on her way back from D.C., there was an angry conversation between the Danny and I. Luckily our friendship survived, but Sherri and I never got together again. Eventually, after she dated Danny and then Kenny, she married Kenny's best friend, Scott. None of this was her fault. She was always a real sweet heart, but trouble none the less.

Hot Red Head:

Robin was in and out of my life for several years. I actually met her at the University of Nebraska the summer before my freshman year (different story for a different campfire). She went to the University of Louisville and I was at the University of Tennessee. We saw each other infrequently because of the distance, but I had to take several crappy jobs just to pay my phone bill. She was one quarter Filipino and all fiery, confident red head. We took a break for a couple of years and then right about the time we both were ready to graduate, things got heavy again. She spent a week with me in Knoxville after my finals and I thought "Surely this is the one."

Prodded on by her best friend, I asked her to marry me and we picked out a ring for her. She was still in Louisville and I had moved back to Memphis for work. We saw each other when we could but I always felt that she didn't really have time for me. She never officially broke up with me, but I got the picture when she started telling me about the football player she was dating. About a year after we became engaged, I saw her for the last time. She was excited because she was having a house built and I felt more like an inconvenience than somebody she wanted to see. I called her six months later and she raved on and on about her new guy that was a bar back at Hooters. She was pregnant and I never heard from her again.

Evil Red Head:

Spring quarter of my sophomore year I met Lyn. My fraternity had a huge bash, I was drunk and feeling the need for companionship and at the end of the night I turned around and she was standing there. I had never met her before, but I walked over to her and yelling above the screeching of the band asked her if she would spend the night with me. She nodded yes and it was then that one of the worst years of my life began. We slept in the same bed that night, but nothing else. Just a lot of sleeping and spooning.

Soon we were a couple and I was very smitten. After she realize that she had me by the short and curlies, things went south. She quit school (for which I had starting paying), began to drink heavily, and started filling my head with ideas. Halfway through the beginning of my Junior year, I was drinking heavily, in danger of failing out of school, and stupid enough to ask her to marry me. Things went from bad to worse when I went home for Christmas. I got a call from her New Years Eve. She was crying and babbling something about one of my fraternity brothers banging on her door. I used all of my Christmas money and took the next flight back to Knoxville. Once back at school, I confronted several of my friends and like an ass, threatened to break legs and disfigure faces if they ever bothered her again. Hind sight being 20/20, I realized later that she was sleeping around on me and I was mad at the wrong people.

Lyn got a new room mate shortly after that. I don't remember the girls name, but I remember she was from Texas and had apparently already been kicked out of A&M. The roomie got pregnant around March or so and the next thing I know, Lyn tells me that she is moving to Texas with her and that was the end of that.

While Lyn was probably the worst relationship I ever had, she was also the one with the most closure. I had graduated school and was working in Memphis. I went back to Knoxville the next fall for a football game and somehow Lyn found out that I was there. She called me and asked if I would meet her somewhere for a beer. Curious, I agreed although I worried that it would stir up all of those old feelings of abandonment and lost love. I showed up at the bar (The Last Lap, an institution in Knoxville if you ever make it there) and saw her sitting at a table with a guy I didn't know. She introduced me to him and it was all I could do to keep from laughing. It was her new boyfriend, his name was Dallas (no shit), and he obviously thought I was there to steal her away from him. Anytime he contributed something to the conversation, it always amounted to "We are so in love, we can hardly stand to be apart." or some kind of love sick bullshit. I wanted to pull the poor bastard aside and scream "run, run as fast as you can" in his ear, but I knew he wouldn't be receptive. It came time for me to leave, she looked at Dallas and said "I'm going to walk him to his car." He wasn't happy, but didn't argue. Once we got to my car, she leaned into me and hugged me. She looked up into my eyes and said "I've missed you so much, I want to get back together."

Now there has only been one time in my life when I had the right words for the right moment. This was it. My crowning achievement. My minute of glory. I looked her right in the eyes, smiled real big, chuckled and said "Not a chance in hell." That was the last time I talked to Lyn.

Red Headed Wifey:


I won't say much about Barbara. I still love her dearly, I'm just not in love with her. We met in the Fall of 1990. I remarked to a friend that I thought she was "the hottest bitch on two wheels" and we dated for five years before we got married. Eight years after that we got divorced, mostly because of me, but both of us played a part in the break up I think. I still talk to her about once a month and would do anything for her.

She NEVER was trouble for me, but by God if anybody else crossed her, it was on like a pot of neckbones. I will give you one example, but bear in mind, this is how she got things done with everybody but me.

We had a dispute with Northwest Airlines about how we could use some tickets she had been given for getting bumped. Northwest told her that I couldn't use them when we tried to book a vacation. At the time she got bumped they had told her that she could use them anyway she wanted. Being very non-confrontational, I would have let it go. Not Barbara. She fought and argued and batched for a solid three hours. I had gotten bored with the whole thing and was watching Ren and Stimpy in the other room. I went into the kitchen to get a Coke and heard this part of the conversation.
"I don't care if you are the CEO of Northwest Airlines. You and your company are responsible for the information given out by your employees. I demand that you allow me to use these travel vouchers for my husband as well as me."

What the fuck? She had aggravated, pushed and prodded, cajoled and threaten employees of Northwest Airlines until they had finally put the CEO on the phone. I was quite impressed and more than a tad intimidated. She eventually got her way and I traveled with her on the voucher. That was how she got things done. She was always meek and mild with me, but if anybody else crossed her path, she was one troublesome redhead.

Current Red Head:

I was almost finished writing this when I got a phone call from Sugah, my girlfriend. She was a little down in the dumps because she had allowed somebody that she works with give her a semi make over. She didn't like the hair cut she got and then began to complain about the color. I asked her what had she had done and the reply was "Well, it's a little red."

She knew I was writing this so I have decided to include her. The only trouble she caused so far is really not her fault. She works odd hours, so sometimes I get the phone call at one-thirty in the morning "Can I come over?" Not that I have anything to complain about once she gets here.

There were a couple of others along the way. All have been trouble. Still, every time I see red hair, it's like a moth to the flame.

*addendum: I really should recognize Britini at Young, Willing, and Eager for her inspiration. Check out her laundry list posted on August 1.