Drunk Dialers

I recently received a phone call from an inebriated friend. It was very entertaining, but I didn't envy them the hangover. I started thinking, "you know, there is a pattern to these phone calls." I discussed it with a few other friends and this is the result.

Stage 1: Rock Out With Your Cock Out

In this stage, the drunk dialer is usually at his/her peak. They are drunk enough to not be encumbered by things such as time of day or appropriateness of the call. The conversation usually begins with "WHOOOO HOOOOO, I'M SOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKED UP!" At this stage the caller is usually good for a laugh unless it's three in the morning.

Stage 2: I Love You Man

Pretty self explanatory. The initial buzz is still there, but now the filter between the brain and mouth is completely gone. The friend has their heart wide open and is expressing the true reason they called. "I love you man! No, really. Listen to me, I LOVE YOU MAN!" Initially this stage can give the recipient of the call the warm and fuzzies, but eventually it ends up in frustration. "I know, I love you to. I promise. No really. Yes, you are my best friend. Yes, I know you would take a bullet for me. No, it isn't necessary to demonstrate."

Stage 3: I'm Sorry

The drunk dialer is down but not out. They now realize that it was probably a mistake to have this conversation when they are to intoxicated to a.) control their mouth and b.) remember anything they are saying the next morning. This portion of the conversation goes something like "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm so drunk. Do you believe me? I promise I'm sorry." If you don't nip this train of thought in the bud, you will spend the next thirty minutes hearing every perceived wrong that the drunk dialer believes they have ever done. I usually just agree with them. "I'm sorry you are so drunk too. Yes, it is a pitty that you drank half a bottle of tequila and three Jager bombs. No, I don't think you are evil for finishing off the entire magnum of wine." The downside of agreeing with them is that sometimes they become irate because their brain is telling them that you are attacking them personally. "What are you trying to say? I'll get fucked up if I wanna get fucked up! You cock knocker, if you weren't so uptight, you'd be fucked up right now too." It's a fine line between "I'm sorry" and "fuck you, you fucking mother fucker." This is the most delicate portion of the conversation and I wish you luck during this stage.

Stage 4: I'm Not Tired

In this stage, the drunk dialer is done. Kaput. They have zero energy left and the demon alcohol is putting the brain down for its pre-hangover nap. The problem is, the dialer will deny it until they literally pass out. "No, I'm alright......mumble mumble mumble....I'm not even sleepy......mumble, hic, mumble.....I'm going to Krystal........mumble mumble mumble.......I don't feel like going to bed yet." Your job as the friend is to convince this person that they are truly done for the night. If they are at home, you are halfway there. Most drunks in Stage 4 cannot resist their bed. If you can talk them into actually laying down for a minute, your night is done. However, if they are out on the town, you only have two choices. Drop your cock, put on some shoes and go get them or convince somebody else in the bar/at the party/standing in the liquor store to take them home. Good luck with the second one. Most people don't want to get involved. If they did, you wouldn't have gotten the phone call in the first place.

Anyway, that's they way I see it.


"Find your home or I will find one for you!"

-Knoxville Police Officer, circa 1990-